all the king's horses
by samanddianefan10
Summary: A night of drinking leads to a rather interesting conversation between Frank, Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry and Radar. As it turned out, Radar wasn't the only one of that little group to have some psychic abilities.


It was the end of a grueling shift, and Hawkeye was looking forward to going to sleep- after a martini or two, of course. Fortunately for him, his friend, Trapper, was very very much on the same page. After seeing a couple of really, really close calls...well, the sooner they put this day behind them, the better.

As usual in the 4077. things didn't quite work out according to Hawkeye's plans. First Henry decided to pop in, Frank, fresh from a fight with Margaret (she was supposedly flirting with Hawkeye...in the midst of a life-or-death surgery they'd been working on, no less) went into the tent, a pretty unhappy camper.

Even Radar decided to follow suit. He'd shown up only a few minutes after Henry did, his teddy bear in hand as well as a pillow and blanket.

Despite Hawkeye pointing out there was no room for Radar to sleep in their little living area, Trapper, the martini hitting him, laughed and said that Radar could probably fit in the corner...it was a small space, and Radar was a small man.

Between sleep deprivation turning into sheer exhaustion, the sting of the martinis, and just the absurdity of the situation, Hawkeye was now entertaining the small gathering around him with jokes and songs.

Of course, both were driving Frank completely mad, not that it was a particularly long drive.

"Grow up, Pierce," Frank grumbled as he looked around for a shoe to toss at his nemesis.

Trapper, as always one step ahead, had grabbed Frank's own show and threw it at Frank.

Even Henry couldn't help but laugh.

Pretty soon all were laughing...all except for Frank Burns. Of course.

"Why don't you all knock it off. There's more to life than just ...than just.."

"Having fun, Frank?" Trapper asked, with a drink-induced sparkle in his eye.

"Exactly! You and your...your friend, want to act like this is a party. We're in a war. People die. Any of us could die tomorrow. You could be dead tomorrow," Frank pouted as he picked up the tossed shoe and began to shine it, with a bit of anxiety revealed in his wiping.

"Gee, no one knows how to bring a party down quite like you do, Frank. You're a real kick, you know that?" Hawkeye rolled his eyes.

"What, you want to deny it? It's true. I could even step on a mine and die tomorrow," Frank responded.

Hawkeye looked at Henry and Trapper. "And there, my friends, you have your silver lining."

"Ah,shove off," Frank grumbled as he searched for his robe. All he wanted to do at that moment was to go to bed, but apparently these people weren't leaving any time soon, so he would have to.

"Look at the bright side, Frank...just think of all the people who would be at your funeral, wishing you a fond farewell..." Trapper smiled.

"I'd be first in line," Hawkeye grinned.

"You guys," Henry tried warning him, but couldn't keep a straight face.

"Oh yeah?" Frank smarted. "You, Pierce...if you were to die tomorrow...you know what people would say about you?"

"No, but I have a feeling I'm about to get an ear full."

"They'd say you were a joke, that you didn't take life seriously. And where did it get you? Dead, of course."

Trapper and Henry exchanged strange looks. "Aw, come on now, Frank," Henry started. "Don't get all bent out of shape. No one here is dying any time soon."

"Oh yeah? You...you could be dead tomorrow..." As soon as Frank realized what he'd said, he looked down and saluted Henry clumsily. "No offense, sir."

"Put your hand down, Frank. Out there, I'm in charge..."

"Even out there you're not really in charge, more like..."Hawkeye paused.

"The ringleader of a three ring circus?" Radar mumbled. Everyone laughed, but Henry, who looked at Radar curiously.

"I thought you were asleep," he groused.

"I can't fault you for that, Henry," Hawkeye chimed in. "Who could see him here? Radar...Radar..come out, come out wherever you are..." he teased in a singsong voice.

"That's not funny," Radar protested.

"Don't bother, pipsqueak," Frank muttered. "They wouldn't notice anyone but themselves."

"Come on, Frank, don't you think you're being a bit unfair?" Henry asked as he quickly drank down yet another glass of booze.

"That's his name..Frank 'Unfair to everyone' Burns. That's what his tombstone will read," Hawkeye laughed.

"Oh yeah, wise guy? What's yours going to say? Here lies a man whom, in life, lay with everything with two feet?"

Radar looked stunned, Trapper burst into laughter, and Henry shifted his feet uncomfortably.

"No, Frank," Hawkeye smirked. "I already know what my tombstone will say. 'Here lies a man whose heart was as big as his.."

"Pierce!" Henry barked.

"I was going to say his brain, what did you think I was going to say?" Hawkeye laughed heartily.

"Forget it," Henry mumbled as Trapper, Hawkeye and even Radar laughed on.

Henry looked at Radar, raised an eyebrow, and Radar stopped laughing. "Sorry, sir."

"Oh yeah?" Henry retorted. "What's yours going to say? Here lies a man whom fortunately didn't require much room to bury..."

"Hey!" Radar protested. " I prefer to think people are going to remember me for my kindness, my loyalty, my ability to think under pressure..."

Just then Trapper threw a shoe at Radar, who didn't quite catch it on time.

More laughter. Except, of course, from Frank.

"What's got your shorts into a bundle?" Trapper asked. "Come on, Frank..."

"I personally don't find any of this talk all that nice..."

"And Frank Burns knows nice," Trapper laughed.

"Oh, you...you..you are not a nice person," Frank pouted.

"Come on, Frank. What will people say about you, you know, when you're gone?"

"Same thing they say about me now. Not a word."

Hawkeye looked at Trapper, then at Frank. "Frank, you really think people don't talk about you? Clearly you have been spending too much time away from here, visiting your friend Margaret," he guffawed.

"It's not funny! You all, you're all friends. I see that. I have no friends.'

"Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?" Henry questioned. "Come on, this is supposed to be a drinking game,"

"It's all fun and games to you! Everyone would miss you if you died. What about me? Would you miss me if I died tonight?" Frank shot back.

No one said a word. "See. This is what I mean. Even my wife said if I were to die she's not going to come to my funeral."

Now the room was really, really quiet. Hawkeye spoke up. "She said that? That's mean..."

"But it's true! You all have...whatever you all have here. What about me? I have no one."

"What about Major Houlihan," Radar spoke up, and Henry looked at him in surprise.

"Yes, Frank...what about Margaret? Seems to me you two get along ..." Henry added.

"Ah Nertz! What do you know?"

Henry looked at Hawkeye. "Was it something I said?"

"Frank...I had no idea things were like that between you and your wife," Hawkeye spoke up, finding a bit of unexpected compassion.

"Well, what do you know? You think just because a woman sleeps with you she's going to love you forever. You know something...she won't. Women are like that, you know."

No one said anything. Frank, realizing he'd revealed a bit more of himself than he'd ever wanted to, quickly grabbed his Bible and took off into the night.

"Gee, I think I'm ready for bed now. Talk about your uplifting conversation," Trapper whispered.

"Wait a minute...Henry," Hawkeye asked. "What about you? You never said what you think people will say about you after you're..."

Henry put his hand in the air.. "Oh, no you don't. First of all, I'm not going to die..."

"Never say never," Trapper laughed.

His commander glared at him. "And second of all, if I were to die, I know my wife and kids love me. You love me."

"I love you, sir," Radar spoke. He wanted to dig a hole in the ground after Henry gave him the strangest look.

""Whatever. Just...I'm not going to die. Just go to bed, the lot of you," Henry said as he stood up and steadied himself.

"Henry.." Hawkeye said quite seriously.

Looking at his friend, Henry quickly regretted doing so after Hawkeye started teasing him by saying "I love you, Henry. I love you."

With Trapper joining in, Henry waved his hand in the air, knocked his head on the doorway, and quickly retreated to his own tent.

"Sirs? Colonel Blake isn't going to..."

"No, Radar," Trapper advised. "He's going to live to be a hundred, with a hundred girlfriends with every year that passes him. Don't worry so much. Good night, Radar. Night, Hawkeye."

"Nighty-night..." Hawkeye sang before quickly falling asleep.

Within 48 hours of this conversation, Henry Blake received his ship-out orders. And within another 48 hours, Henry Blake lost his life.

000000

"You never spoke of this..." Sidney asked as he looked over his notebook at Hawkeye. "I like to think over the past year or two we've gotten to be friends. I know how much Henry meant to you. That had to have..."

"You ask me why I'm crazy...as I sit in this...whack-atorium.," Hawkeye huffed. "Well, there you go. That just might be the beginning of why I'm here and not out doing my job, saving lives, all that fun stuff."

Sidney looked on with a compassionate eye. Being a psychiatrist...well, that did not immune one from being shocked at how horrific army life could be.

Hawkeye had had a breakthrough about his breakdown- the baby...yes, by any stretch of the imagination, that was a terribly traumatic experience for Hawkeye to have witnessed.

But as Sidney sat, his hand of cards in front of him, silently observing Hawkeye...not Hawkeye his friend, Hawkeye the surgeon, Hawkeye the life of every party...but rather Hawkeye, his mental patient.

The thought really saddened Sidney. But there was no time to think about that. He had a job to do, and this patient was no ordinary patient...this man was Sidney's friend.

Despite all of Sidney's training, his academics and his books, only one simple little nursery rhyme came to his mind...and it wasn't exactly a comforting thought.

 _Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall_

 _Humpty Dumpty had a great fall_

 _And off the king's horses and all of his men_

 _Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again._

Fin.


End file.
